


listening is easy but learning is earned

by pepper_407



Category: Degrassi: Next Class
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bisexual Lola Pacini, Discussion of Abortion, F/M, and other characters are mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:34:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26551438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pepper_407/pseuds/pepper_407
Summary: Lola has stuff to figure out and Miles is there for some of it.(first chapter is a version of season four that is kind of canon except for when it's not & chapter two is five years later)
Relationships: Deon "Tiny" Bell/Shay Powers, Frankie Hollingsworth & Lola Pacini, Frankie Hollingsworth/Zig Novak/Esme Song, Lola Pacini & Shay Powers, Miles Hollingsworth III/Lola Pacini
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> the title is from maya hawke's goodbye rocketship  
> this chapter is my take on season four, where I don't mention anything just assume it happens like in canon and yes the timeline is very messed up but just go with it pls lol

She still thinks about him sometimes and she hates herself for it. He obviously isn't thinking about her, which she doesn't blame him for (except she kind of does). It's his final year of school and she feels like a moron for still caring for him, and maybe the worst thing is, she has no one to talk to about it. Logically she could tell Shay (not Frankie, never Frankie) but she still feels insecure about the Tiny situation, also she's pretty sure Shay would just tell her to get over it and point out how happy Miles and Tristian are (although sometimes it feels like Miles looks like he would rather be anywhere else, that thought alone just makes Lola realise that she looks at him way too often). But that's just weird ex thoughts, except they aren't even exes really. She wonders if she's a bad person for thinking about Miles more than the abortion. It mostly makes her just sure she made the right decision but then she thinks about voicing that feeling aloud to someone and Lola feels like she's the most pathetic and cliched teenage girl and just wants to stick her head in the garbage bin.

Lola thinks she may have a crush on Saad, but also she thinks she just really wants to. He's interesting and handsome (and selfishly she thinks about how he doesn't have anyone else at Degrassi so he won't leave or replace her). She looks at the couples around her and feels stupid, and also she gets mad at herself because she didn't even care about relationships until Tiny, but he was hot, smart and kind to her and before he fell for her best friend it was such a good and nice relationship (or at least it was for her). And she feels so stupid for even putting Tiny and Miles in the same ballpark because she had no reason to think Tiny would fall in love with her best friend but she did know Miles loved his boyfriend who was in a coma. God, she's so pathetic and needs to get the fuck over herself.

"We got together because we both had family problems and I didn't really have any friends and he was growing apart from his and we both felt alone and different and he was the boy that made me realise that I'm bi and he thought I was special and just"

She gives him a look as he trails off, not really saying anything of any meaning, stuck in his head, reminiscing about times long past, and then he continues "But now, it's so forced and I've realised I don't want to be the negative person who makes fun of people for shit all the time, I'm tired of it. Or the person who forces himself into conversations that really don't concern him, but both of those things are who Tristian is and kind of who I was at some point. But I feel like I have to continue being that guy even though I don't think I am him anymore, people change and its been a long few years and fuck I feel like I'm just shitting on Tristian when all I'm saying is, we don't fit anymore but he won't admit it"

"Well have you admitted it?"

"I'm talking to you about it right now"

"Okay, but have you admitted it to anyone who matters?"

"You matter Lola"

And then she gives Miles a look and at that moment he realises how much he has fucked everything up, "Look, tell your boyfriend you don't love him if that's the truth. But I can't" Lola stops to wipe away a tear but continues on "I can't be this person for you Miles. Not anymore. Not when he's here and not now, its too much and too fucking shitty, especially not after all this time"

"Fuck, I never apologised, that was why I came to over in the first place, you just have a way of making me want to spill my guts"

"For what?" Lola asks with a nervous look on her face and in her gut

"The abortion"

Lola stills, "What do you have to apologise for?"

"Not for anything bad, well it was bad what I did, or didn't do. I mean I wouldn't have tried to talk you out of it or anything that's not what I- look I'm so sorry that I didn't give you a ride that day at lunch or be in a position where you felt like you could have waited and told me and I could have helped you and been there for you" Miles takes a breath and adds on "I know I said this before the play but I feel like I needed to say it again because I said it while also telling you that Tristian can't find out about us and was focused on the damn play of all things and I need you to just know how deeply I regret how I handled it all"

She gives him another look, partly because he has been making eye contact with her the entire time and she feels pretty rude because she keeps looking away and then back at him and then away again. So she keeps her eyes on his eyes when she says "You had him back and I was a second thought once again and yeah even though I saw it coming it hurt and it still hurts but I had a good friend with me but thank you. Thank you for feeling remorse over that and thank you for coming over to tell me. But I really think you should leave now"

He grabs his backpack and leaves out the window he came in and then Lola cries for an hour until she realises Yael Is the perfect person to talk to, yes they had their own shit going on with Hunter and their gender stuff but she needed someone who was irrevocably on her side. And Yael was that person for her.

 **lola:** can u come over?

 **yael:** like to your house?

 **lola:** yeah, dad is going to be away for the rest of the night and i really need to not be alone

 **yael:** omw

**frankie:** hey

 **lola:** whats up?

 **frankie:** maybe i just wanna talk to my bestie

 **lola:** ok sure

 **lola:** hey

 **frankie:** i think i'm bi

 **lola:** lol mood

 **frankie:** ok yeah i thought maybe yeah

 **lola:** lol u gaydar-ed me? tbh respect

 **frankie:** also

 **lola:** oh wow lots going on, what else could there possibly be?

 **frankie:** i think i might be dating both esme and zig

 **lola:** u bagged two hot seniors? nice going franks

 **frankie:** just so so far from the point

 **lola:** ok but is it?

 **frankie:** not really i guess i'm just freaking out

 **lola:** fair

 **frankie:** but u think its alright that i like them both and stuff

 **lola:** i mean i don't really know either of them that well but if you're happy I'm happy

 **frankie:** i haven't told shay or anyone else yet so maybe just keep this between us

 **lola:** ofc <3

 **frankie:** <3

She tries too hard to stop herself thinking about how much that conversation with Miles felt like he was saying that he wanted to be with her. And the thing is, of course, Lola doesn't blame him for being with his boyfriend and she doesn't blame him for having problems with him and she doesn't even really blame him for coming to her with his problems. Because she set herself up for that, she was there for him when he and Tristan were having their biggest problem and so of course when another big issue finally hits the surface he would come back to her. Just because she didn't expect it, didn't mean that is doesn't make sense

"Sorry I took so long, I had to find some pyjamas that wouldn't be totally weird to wear in front of you," Yael said as Lola let them inside

"Now I'm super curious about what kind of pyjamas you have" Lola laughs as she closes the door and leads them to her room

"So, you doing alright?"

"Uh, yeah, why?" Lola says as she awkwardly looks around her room, realising how stupid it was that she summoned them here for something so dumb

But because Yael is an awesome friend, they just reply with "Well because you obviously texted me for a reason and I want to help, no problem is too small"

"Remember last year?"

"No, I just got amnesia on the first day of the year and I have no memories of the years that have passed"

Lola gives them just a little glare until they realise what she means and then gives a little nod for Lola to say her piece

"The, umm, guy that you know" Lola whispers as she makes the sex symbol with her hands, and Lola has never felt so fucking awkward in her life, "Uh yeah, it was Miles and I just need someone to know because he came round and I just feel like a sad idiot"

"Holy shit"

"Yeah"

"Those Hollingsworths, they fuck you up"

"Well, it's not really his fault, I don't think it's anyone's fault exactly. It's just a complicated situation that I thought was over, or at least on its way to being over, but maybe isn't"

"So this is the real deal for you"

"Yeah"

"Fuck"

"Exactly"

A month and a half pass and the seniors are graduating and obviously, Lola doesn't go to the ceremony but she does go to the after-party. Frankie has to bail because she wants to be there for Esme after she had some kind of break down (Lola still doesn't know the exact details but it seemed really intense and she has honestly never seen Frankie like this), both Lola and Shay offered to skip the party but she told them to go and have fun but not to do anything she wouldn't do, which had Shay give her a bit of a judgy look that Frankie chose to ignore. Lola has been trying to stay out of it but she can't help but feel bad for Frankie that Shay doesn't exactly approve of her whole dating situation.

Or more like, she doesn't quite get it but Lola thinks there might be something else going on there because when Frankie told her (she made Lola do it with her and made her start by telling their best friend that she was bisexual to see how she would react and when she was supportive of Lola, Frankie just when ahead and told her about Esme & Zig and about how having two partners makes her feel safe and secure and how she really cares for them and Lola just sat there feeling awkward but mostly just proud of how far Frankie had come) Shay asked some weirdly specific questions about how romantic love feels, along with what sexual attraction actually is and how isn't it more of a monogamous feeling -aren't they both? and wondering if Frankie feels it for more than one person if some people maybe don't feel it at all. And then she stopped talking and said she had to go to her singular boyfriend's house to study with him for exams and it has been kind of stilted with the three of them since. 

Frankie tells them she has to go convince Zig that he has to at least send Esme a text and then she will head off to visit her and reassures them both that she wants them to have a nice time. Lola still feels like she should be doing something that isn't going to a party to probably get wasted, but also it's at the Hollingsworth house with no Frankie there and she's going with Shay and Tiny, so it's not exactly her idea of the best night of her life. But maybe she'll find Saad or Yael and just have some fun with friends who are outside her weird inner circle.

Tiny picks her up before Shay so they sit in silence for a little while until Lola remembers that they are actually okay and just because she has been doing a lot of internal reflection doesn't mean their reconciliation and beginnings of a friendship that happened in the closet at the failed _girls night_ isn't real. He turns on music that they used to listen to together and weirdly it feels nice like they are both moving on with their lives, she asks him how it feels to be out of school and in the real world and he tells her that it is utterly terrifying and really awesome, she envies that freedom that he feels and hopes that next year when she is in his position that she will feel ready to be in the world like that.

When they are about five minutes away from Shay's place she can tell that Tiny wants to ask her something but isn't so she gives him a look and at once he starts rambling and she feels a moment of deja vu to her conversation with Miles a couple of months ago, except that Tiny isn't Miles and this isn't about her.

"Sorry, so what are you asking me exactly?"

"I know you are her best friend and girl code or whatever prohibits you from telling me anything real but I gotta know if Shay actually alright with long-distance or is she about to break up with me?"

"You guys are doing long distance?

"I guess that answers that"

Lola considers what she knows about Shay and Tiny's relationship and long distance makes sense for them and Lola knows she would have heard if they had broken up. But, long-distance, that feels like something Shay would have talked to her and Frankie about, except the last month or so Shay has been distant and Lola knows Frankie blames herself but she kind of thought maybe Shay and Tiny were having problems, but maybe not, maybe she just can't get her head around Frankie being in love with two people. Or maybe it's them not quite recovering from all of last year's drama. Lola has always tried to stay neutral between the two of them but she has been trying so hard to support Frankie with her stuff this year so maybe in that she lost some closeness to Shay. Lola knows that all three of them aren't going to be _best friends forever_ or anything like that, but they have one more year of high school left and she kind of thought she would have her girls through that.

Lola only notices that they have pulled over when she has decided on what to say to Tiny who is just sitting there waiting for her to get her thoughts together "I think maybe you two should have a long conversation about it but it doesn't actually surprise me and I think it makes sense" 

When she sees that he doesn't really seem reassured by that statement she adds "And don't be thrown off by the fact I didn't know what was up, we haven't really talked too much lately"

Tiny looks a little more settled and starts up the car again and as they are pulling into Shay's driveway says "Thank you, Lola. I really hope we can stay in touch, I've missed you"

That makes her pull him into a hug and they stay like that until Shay comes out looking honestly very hot but she shakes that thought away and hops in the back seat, which she wouldn't normally do but it felt like probably the right thing to do in this circumstance.

Shay looks back at Lola and then at Tiny and Lola can almost read her thoughts but so can Tiny who holds her hand and tells his girlfriend that he and Lola were promising to stay in touch when he goes away and that she looks stunning, which is where Lola adds that she does know this isn't a formal occasion, right?

The ice is broken and Shay gives her a glare but it's all in good nature, she guesses. And Lola feels weird and awkward and kind of pissed but just decides that she's definitely getting drunk at this party and making the fuck out with someone.

They arrive and everything is in full swing, Lola breaks away from them almost immediately, mumbling about going to find Yael and swiftly makes her way to the living room where it looks like the house is getting destroyed and honestly that's exactly what Lola needs right now. She sees Yael talking to Hunter and swerves to avoid that and soon realises that Saad probably won't be here and that she is all alone and then she grabs a beer and finds a guy she only kind of recognises to dance with.

They dance for a while and she has a few beers but she can't find it in herself to keep dancing with him, it was taking longer than she thought it would for him to make a move or for her to find an opportunity to make one herself, so she retreats upstairs to take a break in Frankie's (hopefully) empty room. Lola collapses on the bed and wonders what the fuck she's going to do now and her mind can't help but wander back to Miles and she doesn't force it to stop. But she finds that she doesn't have anything more to consider, she may have loved him but if she's honest Lola has no idea when the next time she will see him is and she's alright with that, life moves on and that's a good thing, next year is going to kick ass and so will the years after that and she will think of him sometimes and when Frankie mentions him she will feel so many more emotions than Frankie will know but she will handle it because life's like that. 

Finally, Lola sits up on the bed, feeling satisfied with life and enjoying her tipsy state when she realises there is someone else in the room, well at the door. It's Miles. 

"Of course" Lola mutters when she realises who is standing there, not quite watching her, but more making sure no one else is entering the room. God he could be such a gentleman sometimes

"Excuse me?" MIles says with a bemused smile on his face

"You Hollingsworths are so rich that you obviously installed mind reader technology in the house so you knew I was thinking about you, so now you are here" Lola clarifies because it seemed very obvious that was what was happening

Miles obviously wasn't expecting her to say that and she congratulated herself for throwing him off his game and then patted the bed beside her, so he closed the door and joined her

"Wow Frankie's bed is awful comfy, I can't blame you for taking a rest on it"

"Yours is comfier"

"You are a little drunk aren't you?"

"Just tipsy, I'm all here"

"If you were all here you wouldn't have just told me that my bed is comfier than Frankie's"

"Oops"

"Yeah oops" 

He nudges her a little and she nudges him back and then leans into him until she can feel his heart beating and then they just half-lie there in silence for a while until Lola asks "Are you really going to London for uni?"

"Yeah, it's a really good writing school"

"You're not coming back, right?"

It's a while before Miles replies "You still know me too well"

"I get it, wanting to run and not come back, wanting to start over"

"Thank you"

"Frankie is going to kill you"

He lets out a small laugh "Yeah, I know, I'm gonna have a long talk with her before Winston and I head off and then when he comes back for uni they can bond over how much they hate me"

"They could never hate you"

"Yeah, probably the only two people in the world that applies to"

"Okay wow you really want that love confession"

"I wasn't trying to bait you, Lo"

"Oh sure sure"

"You seem to be getting tired," MIles says as he starts to lightly nudge her off him and onto the bed and under the covers

"Oh, I came with Shay sooo"

"Okay, well if you want I can help you find her and she can take you home, or you can spend the night in Frankie's bed and I can let her know what's up"

She starts to try to get up but it's so warm and Miles was right Frankie's bed is really comfortable and she considers telling him that maybe she was wrong about his bed being better but the way he is looking at her is too much and she knows that if she opens her mouth right now it would be a mistake so she just nods and snuggles into the covers more and watches him leave out of the corner of her eye, as he is watching her out of his.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's five years post the end of last chapter (this fic is only split in two chapters because it seemed like the best way to seperate the two time frames)

If you had told Lola that at age 22 Shay Powers would be getting married to Lola's ex who she doesn't feel romantically or sexually attracted to, Lola would punch you in the face for lying. Except it wouldn't be a lie and Lola is so insanely happy for her. She isn't that close with Shay anymore, they went to different universities and came back to Toronto less and less but they did keep in touch and when Shay got engaged to Tiny the first people she called were Lola and Frankie. Lola is nowhere near engaged and she can't help but be a little jealous that Shay is at this place in her life, but it's a jealousy that is more of a vague thought than a real feeling, she isn't really ready to settle down with someone for the rest of her life but seeing it all and seeing how happy Shay is, it makes her think.

Lola would say that she has seriously dated three people in the last five years. First was a girl who she bonded with because they both for the first time in years had more spare time than they expected because they both worked at their families eating establishments all throughout high school. She baked for everyone in their shared dorm and Lola fell in love, it was a sweet dalliance of which it didn't even last very long and maybe you wouldn't consider it serious but Lola fell in love, and then the girl, well she moved on. She didn't fall as deep as Lola did and she felt like she was still in high school when it ended. And even though they didn't date for too long, it took Lola a while to get over her and still every time she sees a chocolate eclair it makes her think of the first girl to break her heart.

And then was a couple, a guy and an enby, Lola really cared for them and while she was dating them she had a lot of phone calls with Frankie who quoted something Lola said to her back in high school "once you go pack, you never go back" and also told her about embracing the comfort in having two people care for her and giving her the pros and cons of being in a polyamorous relationship. Frankie acted like she was such an expert when really she was a twenty-year-old who just happened to be the only person Lola knew to talk to. Until she also eventually started to talk to Esme and occasionally Zig. It was a lot of help and honestly Lola kind of thrived in the relationship but sadly one of them moved away and all three of them decided it was best if they cut their losses (Lola is still in touch with both of them and she treasures both of their friendships with her whole heart). 

She also is thankful for that relationship because it brought her closer with both of Frankie's partners, mostly Esme but also from then on she and Zig started to occasionally skype and chat about bits and pieces (including occasionally bitching about Tiny) and it's nice. Mostly, she got close with Esme, they bonded over having dead mothers and complicated relationships with their dads and Esme gave her genuinely good advice about having your first polyamory relationship that even after it had ended Lola took into all her potential romantic relationships. Esme is also the person who convinced to start going to therapy, she had been considering it for a little while but felt weird about it but Esme had obviously worked through so much shit and was like a poster child for at least trying it even if she felt like she didn't really need it, Esme also said that Zig had gone and it helped him sort shit out, like him being an ass and some unresolved trauma from his young teen years that he didn't even realise was there. And just the fact that these people she cared about had benefited she went and then kept going.

Lola hadn't had any kind of real relationship since the triad and she didn't miss it per se, well she definitely didn't miss going on awkward date after awkward date. Although she went on a few dates with a guy she met while he was waiting for his sister to finish her appointment at her therapist's office and then with someone who Yael met online and happened to live in Lola's apartment building. But neither relationship went anywhere and she realised that even though she hates dates she did really miss the stability and comfort of having someone/s there for and with her.

And that was the headspace she was in as she arrived at Shay's wedding, so when she saw Miles for the first time in five years she laughed. He was there looking all handsome and she felt like she was seventeen, missing something she never had, except she was twenty-two and she was missing something she has had but also something she doesn't have and at the time felt like she never would have. She makes awkward eye contact with him and then heads towards the room where Shay and Frankie (and Shay's other bridesmaids) are getting ready. 

Lola greets Frankie with a hug and before Frankie can start gossiping like she so desperately wants to, Lola heads over to Shay who is talking to her maid of honour (a girl who Lola only knows from Shay's Instagram) and congratulates and hugs her and it's so weird seeing someone you knew as a dumb teenager getting ready to get married and make a lifelong commitment. The ceremony is short and sweet, Shay wears a white dress but in her vows jokes about how she should have maybe worn something purple or green and Tiny talks about how he has boxers on in the colours of the aroace flag ("not just for you, but for our life together") and Shay both grins and gives Tiny a playful punch on the wrist. They talk about steady love and how they would die for each other but mostly they just want to fight about who does the dishes. Lola cries and looks beside her to see Frankie also crying and looking towards the crowd for some reason until Shay realises she's looking for Esme & Zig. And then Lola completely accidentally makes eye contact with Miles who must have already been looking at her and she doesn't look away.

The reception is so pretty and has such a big dance floor and even though Lola doesn't recognise most of the people here, she feels connected to them, the atmosphere is kind and loving and Lola feels just a little drunk off life (and maybe also because of the two glasses of champagne she has drunk). On the way to get another glass, she runs straight into someone, it takes a few seconds to realise it's Maya but once she does she goes in for the hug, they weren't ever close at school but they had friends in common (evidently) and she always seemed nice enough.

"Lola," Says Maya as they have a quick hug

"Maya" Lola replies as they both sit down at a nearby empty table

"How have you been? it's been forever"

"Well it's probably been since high school"

"Good point"

"I've been good, just getting by, you know how it is"

Weirdly that makes Maya giggle and then say "You look really good Lola"

"Thank you, as do you, of course"

"So, it's such a nice wedding isn't it" 

"Oh I know, some weddings can be the actual worst but an open bar and actually nice people can make all the difference"

"And good music!"

"Of course you would notice the music"

"Of course"

And then she giggles again and Lola comes to the realisation of, _holy shit Maya Freaking Matlin is flirting with me,_ it takes her a few seconds to get a hold of herself before asking "So, are you here with anyone?"

She hears him before she sees him, "Now, this is a sight to see"

"Miles," says Maya and gestures to the seat beside her, he gives Lola a significant look before sitting down and Maya, even in her slightly drunken state, catches it "Okay, what was that?"

"Oh, I was just making sure Lola was cool with all your flirting"

"She was flirting back," Says Maya and looks to her for confirmation so she nods and then Maya continues "Oh are you jealous, Miles?"

Both of them go red and weird at the same time but only Miles manages to say "What, why would I be jealous of you?"

"Huh" Is all Maya says for about thirty seconds before standing up and saying "I didn't realise I was so forgettable but it has been a while, which serves the question of has it been that much longer for you two. It was good seeing you Lola, and you too, Miles"

Maya leaves and goes to dance and Lola tries not to watch her but it must be pretty obvious because after about forty-five seconds Miles chuckles "I'm sorry for interrupting you two, I would not have sat down if I had known you two were genuinely flirting"

"You couldn't tell? Shouldn't you be some kind of expert in both of our flirtatious ways"

"I didn't forget that I dated Maya, she just wasn't on my mind when the idea of being jealous was brought up"

Lola honestly couldn't believe he just said that aloud to her right now and the only reason she could think of that would explain his straightforward and insane behaviour, "Are you drunk"

He exhales and gives her a look that she thinks is it. She hadn't been pining over a guy she never even dated but she also hadn't really ever gotten over him but in a healthy-ish way. But this was it, he had a look in his eye that she really could not for the life of her decipher when finally he speaks, "I'm moving to the city where you live in three months"

"Why didn't Frankie tell me?" Is what comes out of her mouth and she's so thankful because she had no control over it and something so much more revealing could have come out, although that's pretty hypocritical thought because she's pretty sure Miles is asking her out and also maybe saying he also never quite got over her

"I kind haven't told her yet"

"You told me before your own sister?"

"Well, it's not like I'm moving near her"

The only reply to that comment she has is to give him a pointed look

"Well, I'm not and I also have her phone number and I also know that she will bring up the fact that you live there"

"But she doesn't know"

"I know but if you ever wanted to tell her that would be all good or if maybe just when I have settled in maybe we could go out and it doesn't even really have to be about us before"

"Wow, you are super nervous"

In a very charmingly awkward way, he quickly agrees, "Super nervous"

"I'm up for getting dinner or something but it's been a long time and it's not like we even ever really did the actual dating thing so it kind of will be like starting over"

"So that's a yes?"

"Dork, yeah, I'm single and ready to mingle and then if it goes anywhere maybe then we can think about telling Frankie about our other shit"

"Okay, okay that sounds every mature of you"

"Well, I'm not seventeen anymore"

"I can tell"

"That was the world's most mediocre pick-up line I've ever heard"

"Wow, I can't believe you're criticising my flirtation skills, I just got a date out of you"

"Well I almost hooked up with your ex-girlfriend and I also got a date out of you'

"Oh shit you're right"

"And that surprises you?"

"Not at all"

**Author's Note:**

> comments feed my soul (please comment)


End file.
